Posts Tagged ‘introspection’

I don’t take much risks. I should!

September 9, 2012

I have heard of people who enclose themselves within a barrel and roll over the Niagara fall.  I would probably not do that; I don’t take much risks.

It was a weekend.  Excitement was in the air; kind of mania.  Nothing special, just a bit of freedom!  I went to Ambazari.  It was flowing over and people were enjoying the free shower!

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I stayed away, as I usually do, from the brim, watching the people enjoying.  I tried taking photos.  Some boys were diving from the high sidewall on which I was standing.  I wanted to take an “up in the air” shot; I couldn’t exactly catch that moment.  It was somewhere between this:

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P.S. Happy New Year

December 31, 2011

The final few moments of the passing year 2011.  It’s too kiddish to look back the whole year in introspection.  I have done that with each passing year in my teens.

If 2011 was a too much stressful year, 2012 is going to surpass it in every manner.  I must keep my cool!  If I must live, then I have no option but to live.

P.S. Happy New Year.

The search of self: A brief questionnaire

October 13, 2011

Just had a very interesting talk with Gaurav.  I was sitting a kind of upset, badly wanted to talk with some, and I wished if I could find Gaurav online.  He rarely uses GTalk, so I was kind of uncertain if I can find him there.  I tried Windows Live Messenger, but it didn’t work, so I came back to GTalk, and lo.. He was there.

This was my first chat with him per se (we had had a 2-liner brief chat earlier, but I had abruptly cut it off).  I told him about me and he told about himself, then about our blogs, further plans, and so on…

The most interesting thing of it was a shootout question series by him:

Why do you blog?
To express myself.  I can’t live without writing.

This is absolutely truth.  Why do I blog?  Because I want to write.  I have a long habit of writing.  It started with my writing diary about 13 years ago.  Initially, it was a kind of routine for me, but in 2002 as I came here at Nagpur, life got too much tumultuous.  At the same time, I started to get a lot of leisure time and privacy in hostel.  Fading out of an old love, finding a new one, having breakups, going through its melancholy, getting into a couple of another relationships, again falling into a new one — this material was enough to make me write.  I wrote, and I wrote a lot.  I wrote diaries, poems, ghazals, blogs… Then everything stopped.  I had a long break of about a couple of years.  Ghalibana was an exception in between, but still writing the heart could not happen for long.  So in the earlier part of this year when I found I cannot write diary anymore, I decided to start a new blog and thus started The Blog of Reflections.  So, I write to express myself.  Because I can’t live without writing.

Next question:

Was medical a choice of your heart?

Because I didn’t know what else to do.  I had grown up since childhood listening being a doctor is something great.  Otherwise, I loved math.

Choosing medical field was an simple choice for me, because I never had any other options.  Can you believe I didn’t know till 12th grade what engineers actually are?  I only knew they either build buildings or computers!!  No one ever told me that Pure Sciences can be a great career too.  My parents were not that educated to advice me and I was an ugly duckling for my college professors.  That being said, I enjoyed my work as a physician.  I worked with surgeon for about 2 years, assisted a lot of surgeries on a daily basis, literally assisted in saving lives.  But I was a BAMS (Ayurveda graduate), I knew I can only be an assistant at most, I could never perform the surgery.  I had no intention to pursue my post-graduation in Ayurveda (even the 13,000 p.m. stipend could not allure me).  I didn’t even try to appear for the PG entrance, I had already had enough in my 5-1/2 in graduation.

Third question:

Which quality do you have that’s very special according to you?
I am a good man.

This was my answer without any hesitation, without a second thought.  It is the only reason I am alive, because I know I am a good man.  The day I lose this feeling, I will lose everything else.

So can you say you are unique in some way?
Yes I am, but I am not sure if I can explain it right now. I am unique in a lot many aspects, but still, I am a good man should be enough.

I know I am not one of the flock.  I wish if I could tell how much I long to find someone like me, and I know, it is not an easy job.  That’s the reason I hardly be friend with anyone.  I never understand what to talk with people.  In my 27 years, I could find only a few people who I can say have a part of me in them.  (In fact, I am chatting with Gaurav only because I find something like myself in him).  There are only a few people with whom I feel like myself.  (Don’t frown up, you are in the list by default, take care to keep it free from viruses).

The conversation then turned to be a bit personal; I am not going to publish that part of it (I don’t want to make Gaurav feel awkward telling that he had a broad 🙂 when I answered “Yes” to his “Did you have a girlfriend?”)  Stil, it was a very interesting talk.  Hope we can continue it some time later.

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Just another Saturday evening…

April 16, 2011

Deleting all the traces, all the footprints, leaving no trace behind.. And at the same time cherishing each moment in heart, because it’s the only place that can’t be seen from outside! Balancing on the verge of a valley, on a unstable footing, just held back with a loose rope… Uncertainty and hopes, certainty and hopelessness all go hand in hand; and we… Such things happen, we cannot help, such things happen when you seek shade under a leafless dry tree..
But who knows, the one seeking shade might me the stream of life.. It will go deep to the roots and keep the stem alive throughout the autumn, till the spring comes… The spring, certainty, hopelessness, uncertainty, immense hopes, and we…

Looking for a metamorphosis

April 13, 2011

Every venture that I start with great hope and expectation finally ends up in a disaster. Hope this time it will be different. Want to start my life once again from scratch 🙂

I’m happy :)

April 10, 2011

It was really a long long day and a kind of hectic one.  Except what I cannot write, there is really nothing to write.  A friend of mine had an accident and got a kind of serious facial trauma, may be a mandibular fracture etc., and I spent almost all the day getting bored in the hospital.

There are two worlds.  Several things happen outside, oftentimes not worth to mention. And inside me, a stream of life keeps on going, a stream of life, a stream of life… I myself have made a hell of it 😦 of what it could have been 😦

Gonna read an illusion of MrugajaLache Baandhkaam (Making of an Oasis) by Marathi poet Grace. It’s in her Marathi Literature syllabus.  She has brought notes of it and I will have to console myself with them instead of the original book.  I know not what I am writing, just trying to postpone being together, to live out of the stream of life, the stream of life that is inside me, or I am in it, I don’t know, I just don’t want to get out of it…

It is late evening of a not-so-happening Sunday.  I am watching some movie while writing this post, and I don’t want don’t want don’t want to get out of my stream of life 😦

Again, this fake line just to show the world, it’s okay, I’m happy 🙂

Update:  By the way, the outer world has gone asleep, and I am kind of more happy now than I was in the last line 🙂