Posts Tagged ‘fear’

Hold my hand

December 26, 2017

I enter into the jungle that I had only heard of.  On the roads I had never walked on.  I ground each step not without a thought.  Don’t scorn me off.

My desires are tender.  My longings are circumspect.

My dreams have roamed all over your virgin lands, though my earthen remains have always stayed behind.

Ain’t I welcome, dear?  Something in you tells me yes, yet something holds me off.

While I enter into the dark alleys of you, my love, hold my hand, hold my hand.


July 9, 2016

I feel for you my friend.

I don’t know. I’ve never lived under a constant watch. I’ve lived with a habit of feeling like a free man forever.

How does it feel when you go out for something while guns pointed at you? It must not be fear I know. Fear doesn’t live forever. Defiance, is it? A helpless defiance for the most, perhaps?

Kashmir. I’ve heard it’s beautiful, looks stunning in photos. I think I’ll perhaps go there some day (and then I google for the state of insurgency in Kashmir). I feel afraid of my life; I don’t want to be among the ones at wrong place on wrong time.

But you? I fail even to imagine it. Homes, surrounded by guns. Guns watching the homes.

I know it means nothing, but I genuinely feel sorry for you. I know you don’t need my sympathies; you’ve learnt to live under the situations. But I want you to know I stand with you. I don’t stand with the State when it decides it has a right to keep you under a watch 24×7.

My dear friend, do I even have a face to tell you things? I don’t know. It’s like you get a scolding for something you never did, and I feel so bad I can do nothing for you, and worse when I think that those guns are pointed at you in MY name. This makes ME feel helpless.

Can I even expect you to understand me?

Of an evening in December ’14

January 24, 2015

Exactly what were his thoughts he did not know. It was an evening, already getting dark out. He was hungry with little idea about what he would have for dinner. This was not very unusual for him. He had had many evenings like this. This evening was not a different one. He was just sitting doing nothing. “I’m having a little headache perhaps”, he thought, “but it doesn’t really feel like an ache. It’s more like something is stuffed pack in the skull and it’s making pressure from within.” It was not unusual.

He lay back for a while, rested his head on the pillow. Eyes closed. Trying to feel his breath. It was such a silence. A servile fan whirling above his head. His hunger was making a call.

“Why do I need to be so tense all the time?” he thought, but then he suddenly shirked off the thought and started staring at the fan. He was still not feeling alive enough to get up and get something to eat. “It’s just a waste of life”, he murmured. He could find no reason for anything he was making through.

Today, it’s place A. Tomorrow, it’ll be place B. He had no affinity to places, but these places grow up on one’s self. This cot crackles when he jerks off on it. These bed sheets and blankets and pillows – no, he doesn’t have any attachment to them. When he leaves them tomorrow, he won’t feel any sad, just a little hurried lest he couldn’t go if he makes it late. Then it would be an end. He would find another cot to jerk off on.

What was it that was holding him together so long, he wondered. He was not sure. He was not sure even if he was still held together or was already fallen apart. “I would save this question for some later date”, he said to himself. Was he afraid? Perhaps, he was. But what was it that would make him afraid; he was not sure. It was only an evening, not the end of world.

This will take him nowhere, he knew. But it was not that he was planning to go somewhere. He was content in standing where he was – but this goddamn headache or whatever! The evening was getting darker. Some kids are playing in the backyard downstairs – happy and yelling. They’ll get tired and go home and straight to the dinner table. Mother will ask them to wash hands and such. Good kids. Mama will hold them close and caress through their hair. Kids don’t have headaches.

It’s useless, he muttered. Why on the earth that it was those kids and their fathers and not him? He was not sure if their fathers had headaches or not, but he was sure they don’t jerk off at least. He knew happiness doesn’t come for free, but he was tired of this headache, this constant buzz he was holding in his skull for so long. Something was missing. It had been months since he had been in bed.

It need to get it pulled out!

February 18, 2012

It’s about 5 o’clock in the morning and I have already been awake for about 2 hours now.  I have been having a toothache.  It is certainly not the worst pain I have ever had, but it is still annoying.  It awoke me from sleep and kept me awake thinking about the pain and its possible consequences.  Eventually, I got confused whether I was awake because of the pain or because of those thoughts, so I chose rather to get up and do something.

Toothache I am about 28 now and never had a complete set of 32 teeth in my mouth; only 26 erupted, others remained latent never coming above the surface, so I have always had a lot of vacancies in there.  To worsen the things, two of my existing teeth (a lower molar on each side) are decayed since childhood.  I took a good care of them and they never gave me any trouble until the recent past.  One of the decayed molar fell out last year, rather I pulled it myself and it came out leaving some roots behind; those roots are causing pain providing a site for recurrent infections.  I went to a dentist a couple of weeks ago for the same problem.  She prescribed me some medications and advised to get the tooth extracted completely.

Coming to the point, I’m afraid of injections, so I don’t go to doctors.  I had had my last IM injection back in 1999, which was a tetanus in a school health program.  I took it only after I found out I cannot run away from school.  IVs are less painful; I’ve had one in some 2006-07.  Now the problem is if I go back to the dentist, I would have to get the tooth pulled out and it’s going to be painful.  Dental procedures are mostly done under local anesthesia, so she will give me injections in my gums.  I haven’t had a tetanus shot in years, so I might have to get one.  And frankly, I am afraid of injections, much more than the tooth pain itself.

I have worked in the emergency rooms for a long while, and have done procedures under local anesthesia almost on a daily basis.  I know it is painful just for a while and then it only helps the patient, but I’m finding it tough to apply the same principle to myself.  It is not that I cannot tolerate the pain, just I am afraid of it.

But I think I will go to the dentist sooner or later and will have the tooth pulled.  I will have injections and I will bear the pain, I know I can do that (if the fear is out).  Why shall I stay awake for nights just because I am afraid of something?  Why shall I not enjoy chocolates and cold coffee?  I cannot live without chocolates, so I must go and get my tooth pulled, and possibly a root canal to the other one decayed.

I need to get that damn tooth pulled out, and before that, the fear!

Note:  Sketch by Kazumi Hatasa/Flickr.  Fair use for illustration.