Tag: life

The bar is low; I pass.

I have nothing.  There is nothing for me to tell and for you to listen.

I read cheap novels these days.  The page-turners.  The ones that you forget as soon as you put them down.  I read them in whatever little time I get between work and sleep and YouTube and twitter and Facebook.  Sometimes, I watch movies.  Most of them are more than two-hour long and they run past midnight.  There are very few things one can do past midnight.  I do one or the other.  I sleep.

I wake up in the mornings when it is impossible to stay in bed any longer.  I need to get up and brush my teeth and trim my beard and take a bath and iron the clothes and polish the shoes before ten o’clock.  I do some of the tasks; I leave some of them not done.

Some days I feel better.  Other days, and these are many, I feel miserable.  I don’t want to see anyone and let no one see me.  I sit in a glass chamber.  People come and go.  Some watch me through the glass panels.  Sometimes I feel like a person.  Other times I feel like I am an animal kept in a zoo.

Some days, I do good.  Most of the days.  I don’t let them know that I am sick and tired.  The bar is low; I pass.  People applaud.

Evenings are good time.  There are certain tasks one must do.  I make a phone call to home.  Nights are better.  I read cheap novels; the page-turners.  I scroll YouTube and twitter and Facebook.  Sometimes, I watch movies.  The movies run past midnight.  There is very little one can do past midnight.  I do something or other, then I sleep.

Getting used to a new life (?)

This is one of those times – and such times occur a lot lately – when you have nothing to say. It’s around 10 in night and I’m sitting here wondering why do beards grow on men.

I hear the news that things are going good with me.  At least, I am free from the worries that used to trouble me when I was still alive.  Things have been sorted out now.  Everything has been put in place, where it should have been (rather than where it belonged).  Getting used to a new routine has not been that difficult.  I wake up in the morning, I go to work, I kill time, I call it a day.  Nights bring some respite.  Sleep brings few hours of real non-existence.

If you ask me, I am content with this new life (if we are allowed to call it a life in the first place).

I want to read a book

I get 24 hours a day.  I need to live in these 24 hours.  I get my breaths counted.  I am not using my breaths to the fullest.

What’s stopping me from living to the fullest?  I don’t know.  I am going sleep too late.  It means I am getting a lot of time in the evenings.  I am still not reading books.  Why?

Where are my priorities?  Am I even prioritizing things or letting them happen as they come?

It’s not that I am absolutely wasting my time.  I watched some good movies over these weekends: the Oscar-winning Palestinian movie Omar, Charlie Chaplin’s The Great Dictator, some rom-coms.  I spend some time playing music in the evenings.  I have classes for nine hours a day.  I don’t know how much time remains for me in a day.

I’m not pleased.  I want to read a “book” – a full-length book.

In the name of life

Like I’ve already lost the race, I stand still on the road, going nowhere. Like life is already over and the days are just a debt I owe to the unknown, I pass my days, in installments, day by day. How much it’s left still?

Like I am not living this life at all. This is life of someone else that I’m being forced to live. These are the days of someone else that I am passing – without any interst of my own in them.

Like I won’t mind much if the life remains no more some day. Like it’s not the life of someone who loved it so much once. Like we need to keep going with it because we have no right over it – no right to live it, no right not to live it either.

Like I don’t know where life is heading and why. But I still know it’s heading to every other direction than the one it should have headed. Like I have already stopped bothering where it would end up, because I already know it won’t end up where I had wished it would.

Like it’s heading to a hell in the name of life…

A meh day

Such a “meh” day. It’s only start of the day and my eyes are already aching. I had a good sleep last night; slept early and woke up late. It must not be because of sleep.

Work is going slow. The weather is damp with rains. The traffic is irritatingly slow. Yesterday, it took more than an hour for six kilometers – and all way standing in the bus. Same story repeated this morning. Too much time.. difficult more so if you’ve motion sickness.

Mumbai is a different place – not very much of my liking. Different people, different weather, different work culture. I sit all the day doing nothing. I hide myself from others. I take care no one notices me. It’s not the same old me who likes his work, who takes initiatives, who goes out of his way to help others.

Life is providing no respite, and I am doing nothing to make it simpler.

Of living without her..

Dear X,

It’s such a lonely evening. Just returned from work. Stayed there late after hours – just to shorten this period of loneliness. But now that I’m back to my room and writing this – I think I needed some time for myself – to lean back and ponder over what’s really happening…

Something is badly missing from life. Perhaps, it’s just a change of habit. I’m really not missing you, but it feels like I’m missing a life since we broke up..

P.S. …, nothing!

Father’s Day!

It had been a tiresome day today.  I could not have any rest at all despite it being a Sunday.  The long queue at the Unique Identity Number (I hate the name Aadhar) took more than two hours and most of my energy in the morning and then I had to go for the exam directly from there; just came back a while ago.

All that I could have on this Father's Day!
All that I could have on this Father's Day!

Yeah, my reason for writing this post today is they say it’s a Father’s Day–so it must be.  I had some time with Arnav today (much more than I usually have; thanks the two-hour queue at Aadhar).  Baba called in the evening–just to have a talk of 10 seconds.  So this was all for my Father’s Day.

The long time of agony, stress, pain, tension invades the very few moments of life–life that I strive hard to live, life that is not as easy as just to take breathe in and out, life that needs to win battle by battle–life that just demands too much to have it!

And everything else is fine!  Just had a second call from Baba–this time we had a longer conversation than the previous one–26 seconds!  What else?  Happy Father’s Day to myself!

Zindagi hai…

Life has gotten such volatile. Here I stop taking breath; there you skip a heartbeat. This is again the same situation whenever I sit with a blank paper (or blank screen). Sometimes I have a lot in my mind and words just don’t come out. The other times, I sit almost blank. This time, I am somewhere in between those two situations; rather, I know not where I stand. So, the best way is to start typing and go on as you go!

Hmm! About half an hour passed since I wrote the above paragraph. The situations are so chaotic that won’t let me to sit still at a place for much time. I can’t blame anyone else. I can’t blame anyone else for the mess that I have created. So happy I was just a while ago – singing dhinka chika and all – doing all the crazy stuff that I would never do in sanity. And then? Everything can’t be published! Imagine a guy like me slapping a 2-year-old or beating a person who is as free as me to live!

Okays 🙂 The tamasha is on hold now and I am happy again. I have to find my happiness in such pieces. “Qatra qatra milti hai, qatra qatra jeene do, zindagi hain…!”

Once again okays 🙂 Let’s move to next topic! How wonderful it feels na to think that someone cares for you! It does not mean that you should make that person worry about your safety, but still… Hmm 😦 no worth thinking about past! Life should walk with the present moving towards the future… however steep the ways are, we need to move…the deep valleys on each side, the fear of falling back with each foot put forth, discontent with the present, and hopes from the future…

One more okays 😐 I don’t know how many okays are still to come! At least, till I am extremely sleepy! So let’s move towards next topic. Yesterday evening was a crazy one and the monsoon showered for the first time this year in Nagpur. Water pooled everywhere and I had a wonderful wonderful ride in the rain. Came back such drenched, had shaving and haircut with totally wet clothes, had ice-cream and all 🙂 That’s another crazy thing! Can you imagine of me doing such crazy things? It’s me! It’s me! (I don’t know who was he in the second para from above).

Oh, I’m getting bored now just sitting like this in front of PC. Chhodo naa yaar 🙂 Life hain… and I am really happy with my life, really! I have no reason to lie. I have pretended to be happy for years, just to make a show that I am happy, then now if I am, why should I pretend as if I am not!

Okays (and hope this is a final one), I am going to end this post… damn it.. why should I end it.. I am going to type all the night!