Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Getting used to a new life (?)

November 20, 2015

This is one of those times – and such times occur a lot lately – when you have nothing to say. It’s around 10 in night and I’m sitting here wondering why do beards grow on men.

I hear the news that things are going good with me.  At least, I am free from the worries that used to trouble me when I was still alive.  Things have been sorted out now.  Everything has been put in place, where it should have been (rather than where it belonged).  Getting used to a new routine has not been that difficult.  I wake up in the morning, I go to work, I kill time, I call it a day.  Nights bring some respite.  Sleep brings few hours of real non-existence.

If you ask me, I am content with this new life (if we are allowed to call it a life in the first place).

Hanging without a rope

January 5, 2015

You come to a new town on a new job assignment. A far off place you’ve never visited before. Though not totally alien. You had few friends from this region some ten years ago. Your first problem would be to find a place to stay overnight. Of course, you would find a permanent place, but it would take time. You must make some temporary arrangement. You book a nearby hotel – little costlier one – but not a big problem for a couple of days. You can afford that much.

You start living at the hotel. It feels comfortable to have a cozy bed, a television set, hot water for bath, and no one to disturb. You think – homes are overrated. It should be hotels, not homes. Somehow, your stay extends at the hotel, by a day, one more day, then one more day – money become a concern now.

You find a home, a big one, scary. You need someone to clean it. Then you find out there is some problem with electricity. Finally, things happen, everything gets done. You shift yourself at the house.

You observe the new place, new people. People are obsessed with caste. Everyone asks your last name and tries to guess your caste. Some consider it quite okay to ask it directly. Fortunately, you’ve got a not-so-awkward-sounding caste. People find it okay to rent you home, etc.

Days are difficult for you. It’s the same you that you were, but then – it’s not that you. It’s like you suddenly get a wisdom tooth and start acting with worldly wisdom. You do still get some foolish attacks where you blurt out "hell with the world", but then again hold yourself up. The wisdom tooth is working – working good. Holding together – fuck it. You know you won’t be able to do that for long, but you don’t know much long is the long and you hope the long is long enough to suffice you for your life. It’s foolish.

But is it really what you hope? Don’t you sometimes secretly hope this world to burst out? Or that something should happen and you need no longer be sane? You know these are foolish hopes.

Do you know what you actually want? No, you don’t. That’s the problem with you. But it’s still okay – you’re hung between. You’re not alive and you’re not dead. It’s good eitherway than being dead or alive. And even if it is not, what can you do about it. Better, die, before death.

05 January 2015

What is life?

February 4, 2014

How seriously one should take their life? This question should come later. First, what life really is? For years, I thought my life is reading. I haven’t really read much in months. My life is still going. Meanwhile, I thought maybe it’s knowing new things. Reading was just a way ot it. Then there came a thought, maybe it’s sharing of the new things we know. The question is not solved.

I’ve stopped writing too, and even more, writing my diary. Am I such afraid of my own life? <<break>>

My writing is so haphazard. Such is my life. See you!

Short letter to X

December 17, 2013

Dear X,

One shair of Ghalib for me, rather just one line of it. “ Aashiqui sabr_talab aur tamanna betaab..” Love asks for patience, and desires are uncontrollable. What shall I do of my heart until it ends all?

thinking of you,


Of nothingness…

November 24, 2013

There is a certain nothingness for which I exist. I know this is too vague of a statement, but I am doing vague things and living vague moments and have stopped dreaming of a vague future. I am catching up on things – not people.

Dreams needed to be curtailed – I did that. Why should one dream of life when one can dream of a big home (with lavish furniture in it), etc.? I have somehow convinced myself. I can somehow manage to not miss you – not now, and not a few years later.

You remember? One of our very first meets when we met after my office hours in a coffee shop – those comfy sofas, pleasant ambiance, some cricket match on TV, you – and I had told you “This is peace.” Now I have learned that that peace was not because of something “out of the world”, but it can certainly be recreated with the same sofas etc., can’t it?

I will manage it somehow! You know “a man at 30 should know himself like a palm of his own hand etc.” I am going to be 30 soon. I cannot keep things pending. I must lose you if I cannot achieve you – and convince myself it is for better.

Of a home that is no more…

October 30, 2013

Diwali this weekend. One is supposed to go home for Diwali. I do have a home – a real home with doors wide open. But I’m worried for people – those for whom home is me – and I am closed.

How bad a Diwali can be? Like a Diwali when your own home is closed for you and you have no option but to sit out shattered – and with no energy left to bang the door. How shall one console a little soul? How shall one – for example – tell a little heart that Diwali is something different – lights, lamps, pooja, crackers, happiness, papa!

But this will be such. I will steal eyes. You will hide face. Because people will ask why we are not at home. It’s not that I don’t understand your pain. I do, but I will still be stubborn.

There is no cure to me. There is no cure to us – to our home – that is no more.

Again and Again : Rainer Maria Rilke

October 29, 2013

Again and again, however we know the landscape of love
and the little churchyard there, with its sorrowing names,
and the frighteningly silent abyss into which the others fall:

Again and again the two of us walk out together
under the ancient trees,
lie down again and again
among the flowers,
face to face with the sky.

You and I, despite knowing the churchyard and the sorrowful names there, fall in love again and again.

I want to get some life

October 2, 2013

It was a holiday today – Gandhi Jayanti. All the batchmates had planned a tour of South Goa – I stayed out. It was a debatable decision, but I was convinced. I wanted to be alone – I’ve been to all these places just a few months ago (and it’s difficult to mingle with people). They say “Hell is other people.” It may not be true to that extent, but still – in some way.

I had good rest today after a long while. I ironed all my clothes, had a good bath, watched some random shows on TV, read a few chapters from “Games People Play” by Eric Berne, enjoyed my cup of coffee, went out for a short walk, and chilled out myself with some wafers and Appy Fizz.

I’m living quite an insipid life these days. Time is not as exciting as it should have been – and I am far away from happiness.

Good bye Karjat!

September 8, 2013

Places give strange sense of affiliation. I called this place mine for the last eight months – and now these last couple of hours.

This time, Nehru spoke for me…

September 2, 2013

Those were days before the Lahore Congress of 1929. The Congress had decided to demand for complete independence in this session. Nehru was to be the president of the congress.

This is what Nehru later wrote in his Autobiography about these days:


What the distant future held for us and our country, none dare prophesy; the immediate future was clear enough, and it held the promise of strife and suffering for us and those who were dear to us. This thought sobered our enthusiasm and made us very conscious of our responsibility. Every vote that we gave became a message of farewell to ease and comfort of happiness and the intercourse of friends, and an invitation to lonely days and nights and physical and mental distress.

Though in a different context, these are my thoughts, when I’m looking forward for the big thing.