I am unsure; of various things. For example, is this blog worth reading or worth following? It is going to hit the mark of 7000 hits by tomorrow; it has more than 20 subscribers, about 170 comments on more than 100 posts. I have found a couple of good friends because of this blog who really care to read every line I type. I don’t want to be suspicious about their judgment.
My question is about myself. Am I being honest with myself while I write these things? I know I am not.
I am a writing guy. As a friend pointed out, I need to write down things to come at a decision. Still, I have kept some decisions pending; and they are left pending because I am not writing about those things, not here on this blog, not anywhere else. I even tried to start a new blog. The main issue is not of freedom of expression, on this blog or that, what matters the most is the freedom of thoughts, and I am afraid I have lost the habit to have it!
Again, I don’t want to point a finger at someone else. It’s me who is keeping myself under constraints. I can fight with everyone else for trying to cage me down; how shall I deal with myself?
I want to fly, free from myself! I am choosing an easy way—stay where you are—I would rather not! I must remember what the Buddha had told me, in the Dhammapada, “Bad deeds, and deeds hurtful to ourselves, are easy to do; what is beneficial and good, that is very difficult.”
And I want the strength to do the beneficial and good!
The Blog of Reflections 
hii ganesh…i dont remember how i came across your blog..but have been reading it for some time and really liked your style of writing.
keep up the good work 🙂
Thanks, Pradnya, for the words of appreciation! This is your first comment on this blog, I am really happy to know that you have been reading me for some time. How do you check the blog each time? Have you bookmarked it, or just type out the URL; because I can’t see your name in the subscribers’ list! Anyways, if you ever want to subscribe, the email subscription widget in the sidebar on homepage. Enter your email and get each post in your inbox as it is published!
Try to make one small baby step during each moment that you think of it. This can be online or in the street or anywhere. Good luck! Hang in there! Keep writing! It’s therapeutic…
Thanks Mike, I will try the baby steps! For now, I am struggling with what in the future can be an external censorship! Otherwise, the fight with self is a continuous process, it will go on!
It is all too easy for people to say that you shouldn’t care about what others think of you (or your writing), and that you should write about what interests you. But this, to me, seems like a very insincere statement. It’s hard to be honest with oneself, let alone others, when we care so deeply about the image we present to the outside world (and don’t believe those who claim otherwise; I promise you even the most nihilistic man on the planet has at least one person he wishes to only see him in a positive light).
Ultimately, I think I understand how you feel. At times it can seem as if we spend a lifetime putting restraints on ourselves (on our speech, on our dress, on our opinions, and actions); instead of finding a means to explore the world freely, we are suffocated by an endless list of social decorum and personal responsibility. And the older we get, the more we seem to become content with (and dependent on) this unyielding routine.
Even when we want to speak with what we think to be our true voice, we hesitate and refrain from doing so. Because we can’t help wonder whether this voice matches the perception others have come to expect from us–and we have become too comfortable with to correct. I’ll finish by saying that I wish you the best in your introspective journey. Even if it immediately leads you to no new avenues, it will at least be a worthwhile mental exercise, the benefit of which might prove indispensable in the long term.
Thanks! The self-censorship would always be an ongoing issue. What had troubled me was a perception of some external element that hinted a pre-publishing censorship to me. Of course, it was not suggested in the same words, but still if I had to channelize my thoughts through one stream before they move ahead, even if the stream is not restrictive, I will off course have some extra obligations on myself!
Hmm, I have been told not to interact much with random people on net as they can influence my opinions 😦
As long as someone has something worthwhile to say, I have no problem with being influenced. In fact, I think it’s pretty much unavoidable, given that no man can be an island. Though, personally, I still strive to at least be a peninsula. 🙂
Some opinions should be influenced 🙂
Hear, hear!
heard heard 🙂