Hanging without a rope

You come to a new town on a new job assignment. A far off place you’ve never visited before. Though not totally alien. You had few friends from this region some ten years ago. Your first problem would be to find a place to stay overnight. Of course, you would find a permanent place, but it would take time. You must make some temporary arrangement. You book a nearby hotel – little costlier one – but not a big problem for a couple of days. You can afford that much.

You start living at the hotel. It feels comfortable to have a cozy bed, a television set, hot water for bath, and no one to disturb. You think – homes are overrated. It should be hotels, not homes. Somehow, your stay extends at the hotel, by a day, one more day, then one more day – money become a concern now.

You find a home, a big one, scary. You need someone to clean it. Then you find out there is some problem with electricity. Finally, things happen, everything gets done. You shift yourself at the house.

You observe the new place, new people. People are obsessed with caste. Everyone asks your last name and tries to guess your caste. Some consider it quite okay to ask it directly. Fortunately, you’ve got a not-so-awkward-sounding caste. People find it okay to rent you home, etc.

Days are difficult for you. It’s the same you that you were, but then – it’s not that you. It’s like you suddenly get a wisdom tooth and start acting with worldly wisdom. You do still get some foolish attacks where you blurt out "hell with the world", but then again hold yourself up. The wisdom tooth is working – working good. Holding together – fuck it. You know you won’t be able to do that for long, but you don’t know much long is the long and you hope the long is long enough to suffice you for your life. It’s foolish.

But is it really what you hope? Don’t you sometimes secretly hope this world to burst out? Or that something should happen and you need no longer be sane? You know these are foolish hopes.

Do you know what you actually want? No, you don’t. That’s the problem with you. But it’s still okay – you’re hung between. You’re not alive and you’re not dead. It’s good eitherway than being dead or alive. And even if it is not, what can you do about it. Better, die, before death.

05 January 2015

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