There is a certain nothingness for which I exist. I know this is too vague of a statement, but I am doing vague things and living vague moments and have stopped dreaming of a vague future. I am catching up on things – not people.
Dreams needed to be curtailed – I did that. Why should one dream of life when one can dream of a big home (with lavish furniture in it), etc.? I have somehow convinced myself. I can somehow manage to not miss you – not now, and not a few years later.
You remember? One of our very first coffee shop meets when we had met after my office hours – those comfy sofas, pleasant ambiance, some cricket match on TV, you – and I had told you “This is peace.” Now I have learned that that peace was not because of something “out of this world”, but it can certainly be recreated with the same sofas etc., isn’t it?
I will manage it somehow! You know “a man at 30 should know himself like a palm of his own hand etc.” I am going to be 30 soon. I cannot keep things pending. I must lose you if I cannot achieve you – and convince myself it is for better.