I would rather not…

I am being too cautious about the topics for my new posts for the last few days. Would my readers like it? Is it worth writing? In this state of mind, I am not writing the things I really want to and instead writing the stuff that I would not write otherwise. For example, I would have written about how I found about the degree confluence project, how Kailash prepared for it and finally reached to the confluence point 23 N 82 E.  Or may be how I fascinated was about the OpenStreetMaps project for a while and how the I came back to Google Maps? Or may be how I got frustrated with the state of things and how I tried to make Yippe noodles for me last evening to keep my mind engaged! And I would certainly not have written about the Osho story I wrote in the last post, I mostly avoid copy paste, and it was merely a translation!!

I like people reading my blog, I like the people subscribing and coming back again, and I appreciate them from my heart. I like to fancy about the number of hits my blog gets, and it’s what keeps me writing, but still it’s the same thing that makes me forget it is a personal blog, it was started to write my heart out, and not to get popular.

Yesterday, I was randomly surfing through WordPress. I searched for the term apathy and stumbled upon a blog post. It was really an honest outburst about things going on in the author’s life. I wished I could be that much honest, though I know it is too difficult, if not impossible, with the name I hold. I was in the office then and had no time to write a full-fledged comment, so I just wrote “too honest!!” The author of the post took my comment completely wrong, rejected it in comment moderation, and instead wrote a new post: “It’s my blog. I would write what I want to, even if it is raw and immature. I don’t care if you find it too honest to read. If it is too honest, don’t read it and don’t comment at all.” Though she took it in a wrong way, she was still honest with her feelings; she told me outright what she felt, may be raw, but straight!!

What the shit I am writing? I am a 27-year-old, a grown up! I must learn to keep a mask on my face!!

P.S. Dear Mayur/Gaurav, I am sure you won’t take it personally. I just wrote it because I was afraid I don’t want it to happen with this blog what happened to my last one.

The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain

I haven’t written anything since coming back from home; it has been about a week now.  Not that I was too busy.  In fact, I skipped the office for two days, still it was too stressful.  Indeed, I cried alone at nights, and cried until I fall asleep.  There were times I wanted to write, and just write it out, but then again I controlled myself–and I didn’t have that much energy to write too–I just was too much tired, of everything!

Audrey Hepburn (Doesn't she look cute?)

While coming back from home, I informed master just a couple of hours ago that I’m leaving, and he said “what shall I do now?”  That “what shall I do now?” sounded too much like what shall I do now for the rest of my life.  I know there was a tone of such.  What shall I do now is really a big question!!

Stress was so high that I felt for a moment that I should go asleep and should not awake for the next 73 years at least.  I know a psychologist would pass it as a passive suicidal ideation; a major concern on its own for depressed mood.  I need to handle myself; and I’m trying to do it, a bit more systemically.

Came back home around 6 p.m., had a bath, watched a bit of My Fair Lady (and Audrey Hepburn looks awesome in the scene where she pronounces “H” correctly for the first time).

Trying to have some lighter moments (afraid they will boomerang back on me)!

N.B.  The post title is a song from the movie The Fair Lady.  Professor Higgins uses this sentence to polish up Eliza’s accent of vowel “A”.  Image from http://www.fabaudrey.com

See Also:

• Can I ever get out of towel? (blogofreflections.wordpress.com)
• My Fair Lady  (jpfmovies.wordpress.com)

It’s a hectic Diwali!

It’s Diwali.  I will be in the office tomorrow from 6 a.m. to 2 p.m.  Hope all work gets done by then.  The next day, Thursday, a full working day, and in the evening I will be leaving for home for Bhau-beej.  I have applied for leave on Friday and Saturday.  Sunday will be an off.  Again, I will have to get back at work on Monday at 6:30 in the morning.

View Larger Map

In between,  on Thursday night I will be leaving from here; will reach home on Friday morning.  Friday Bhau beej.  I will have Saturday free; planning to spend some time with Master; may be we’ll go on a little walk by the riverside, or a bike ride.  Again on Sunday, I will be on a way-back journey.  The trains and buses will be fully loaded, it’s a festival season.

And the distance–it’s about 328 km from here–to and fro 656 km; return journey may be by bus (yaack!! buses make me sick), just to reach office Monday on time.

It’s Diwali.  It wished there were no Diwali this year; I haven’t even done my shopping and I have literally nothing to wear tomorrow and I’ll have to reach office at 6:30 a.m.

Happy Diwali

Books, internet, and a giant wheel? It’s really random!!

I love books, I love the feel they give me while reading, it cannot be felt such while reading books on screen.  It’s fine when we cannot get hard copies, may be the book is rare, or too costly, or just you don’t want to buy it, but still there is nothing like reading a book, in printed characters, on paper.

Definitely, my net habits have affected my reading a lot.  I stay online almost 12-13 hours a day everyday, may be for work, and then for my personal use too, blogging, random surfing, social networking, uploading photos; reading has taken a back seat, it’s unfortunate, really!

A giant wheel at Dhantoli, Nagpur

I had been to a book exhibition at Shankar Nagar today; brought a novel by Sane Guruji Ramacha shela (रामाचा शेला); I really wanted to read something by him other than Shyamchi aai (श्यामची आई).  At this moment, I should have been reading the book, in print.  I am instead tuck-tucking here.

On a different note, sharing the picture of a giant wheel I pic’ed last Sunday in Dhantoli, Nagpur.  I didn’t get a chance to upload it earlier.  Giant wheels look good only from a distance.  I am afraid of even the thought of sitting in it.  So, I have look at it, from a distance.

N.B. Clicking on the giant wheel will take you to Panoramio photo page, if you are interested in exactly where the photo was taken, to be precise, it was taken at 21° 8′ 5.88″ N  79° 5′ 4.24″ E.  Good Night

Related Posts:

• Love, life, and a book fair.
• Thus it befell
• A great book (movinmywagonover.wordpress.com)

Can I ever get out of towel?

This is not a post-a-day post.  I would write it even if I were not on a post-a-day mission.  This is why I had started this blog — The Blog of Reflections — to catch such of my moods, the times when I am lost somewhere, somewhere in or around me, or you, or don’t know where!

I should really take some classes on how to live life.  At this moment, I should have been singing Alvida Alvida loudly with Kailash Kher; I am instead scratching this post lowering the volume of my speakers.

Yesterday, as I was coming back from Reshimbag ground, a 30-something-year-old guy was arguing loudly with his companion on some stupid subject; it was all going in English (so uncommon on Indian streets).  They were apparently drunk, so steamed up, arguing with passionate hand movements, loud voices, a perfect drama.  I sat down on footpath and watched them fighting for long until some other guy came and took them away.  I got up and started walking back to home.

There was some van standing outside the bar.  They were offloading the wine packs from it.  Bottles of different shapes and sizes and colors.  People were coming in and out of the bar.  How lively they seemed!  I cannot even think of drinking, yaaack!  But then why don’t I look as happy as they d0?

Can I ever get out of towel?

I came on main street.  Some procession was going on, Durga immersion (don’t know how it came after Vijaya Dashmi)!  Really loud loudspeakers, heatingly fast drums, some bizarre steel-plate-like instruments making loud cymbal-like noise–mischievously tickling to the eardrums!  Everything so perfect to make you dance, move on the beats.  I stopped.  Watched the procession going, the drummers beating the drums synchronously, in high passion, all in sweats, dhan dhana dhan dhan, guys and girls dancing, playing fugadi–and me–I can’t even dance, not because I have two left legs, but because I don’t have the heart that one needs to dance.  For a moment, I felt I should go and just move, just move as bizarre as I can, that I should forget myself, forget the weight my soul needs to bear 24×7.  I didn’t do that.  I just reclined back to a car parked there and watched the dance with a calm that would suite only to an unrelated funeral.

I want to forget this stuff.  I want to forget what I am; in fact, I need to forget that I am, that I exist.  And just and enjoy the life, the breath going deep in my spastic lungs, the breath coming out of my nostrils.  I want to go out naked on the road when it is still dawn and feel the cool breeze tickling my senses.  I want to go out and sing loud without damn caring about what the next guy will think.  I want to go at some deep dark place and make a loud cry until I lose my sane.

Hmm, enough with impotent thinking–I know I can’t get out of towel even in the bathroom.

I know why the caged bird sings!

It’s Sunday!  As usual, a little sweet, a little sore!  How much can a poor soul entertain itself! Explore places, take photos, edit in Picasa, geotag, upload, etc., etc., etc.; a dog playing with his own tail! It’s Sunday.

Took a little break, took a tour, within a hand’s distance: Medical Square, Reshimbag, Joshi Wadapaao, again Medical Square, Tukdoji Square, within a hand’s distance!  As long as a caged bird can fly! But I know why the caged bird sings!!

N.B. Once again an old (and incomplete) post from the drafts of my ScribeFire.  Sorry guys for giving nothing new in a while!

At this ghostly hour

If you must ask me what I am doing at this ghostly hour on my pc (It’s 4:10 a.m. IST), I would say I am just enjoying the freedom of not needing to go office this morning (or rather tomorrow as it’s still “tonight” for me and the feeling of dawn is not here yet).

I wanted to test my YouTube downloader and this is the best time to do so because of free uncongested network. I have downloaded a 7:10 minute record video of unbelievable Danger Dave, and Enge enathu kavithai (as I love the lyrics by Varaimuthu and Sirish has told me about the beautiful picturization of the song with Aishwarya on screen), and I am again going to download another Varaimuthu/Rahman song Evano oruvan vasikiran, again as I love the lyrics.

Just checked my mail to see a comment on my Marathi blog. It was not on the latest post that I wrote last evening (or earlier tonight), but on a previous post.; but the post fetched about 40 visits since it’s published.

I have two options now, to go sleep or to go on a morning walk, after so many days, at 5 o’clock! I would love going on a walk; I guess it’s not raining out! But I’m awake since 3 a.m. and not sure if I can get rest in the day tomorrow. Shall I try to get some sleep?

And next, What else? I’m writing this post for you!!

Sheer randomness!

This is my blog. This means that I should write here something. I know, no one reads, but that’s their problem. This is my blog, and I should write on this. May be it is not that important, because I am not a writer. Or I am nothing. I must not write. As I start writing, I go random. This is not good. Better to sleep. What should I read? Oh, we were talking about writing, not reading! I went out of focus, I am sorry!!

By the way, I think I should start writing on Ghalibana again, I haven’t written there anything for a long time. Let’s see!!

And I want to gain B (three) kg weight!!

let me be unhappy…let me be sad!

I am suffering, from don’t know what, and I don’t want you to suffer with me right now…for I want you to be there to handle me…just be there, don’t even look at me, don’t think about me, don’t care at all…because I am yours…even though I am staying away…I’m yours…just want you not to suffer with me this evening, because I want you to be there for me when I will come out of this…on that side of the tunnel…after this long dark blockage…I want you to be there waiting for me…with a smile…but please don’t look at me…just stay away…just don’t care…ignore!

Because I am ashamed of myself…don’t want to look at me at this moment…having a lot of ill feelings…that I would never do…like just go to a bar and drink to death…like just spend this night on some pavement like a homeless…like just go on bitching about people, just maligning the air…this is not the one you love…this is not the one I am…this is someone else that you don’t need to bother about…

You know I’m just wandering in circles…like a dog trying to catch his tail…where are you?…Where are you in this whole world?…just a few miles away or beyond the galaxies…I can see you there…but don’t look at me please…I am ashamed of myself…how can I come in front of you who I revere so much??

I want to pass through this as quick as I can…I know I will be fine and happy after that…but till then…but till that moment when I will see you at the other end of this dark tunnel…let me be unhappy…let me be sad…don’t look at me…don’t think of me…don’t care at all…because this is not the one whom you love…just ashamed of himself…like a dog…trying to catch his own tail…just ignore it!

Killing time

I don’t know what’s this place where I’m sitting; or let’s say I know what’s this place, but I would rather not disclose it for the interest of my security reasons (as if I am Omar Abdullah @abdullah_omar)! I would describe this place with the shair of Shaharayar ‘Yeh kya jagah hai dosto’ just because this line sounds good, poetic etc., but I’ve reserved that shair to describe my home (especially for the second line: had e nigah tak jahaa.n gubaar hi gubar hai)!

So, this is some road in the city of Nagpur and I am killing time sitting on some red bench! I don’t know who this Parinay Ramesh Fuke is, but may god bless him; this bench seems to be placed here with his courtesy!

Okays so I’m in a bit of philosophical mood thinking what shall I do to feel a bit more narciccistic (hell with this word, I’m not gonna check it’s spelling)? I think I should try to make daily clean shaves and remove the blackheads on and around my nose Hmm, i need to stop, character limit