I will be back soon :)

This is really frustrating yaar I had written really a long long post and wordpress has eaten it up. It is not possible to write everything again in the same way. I had written everything from the gloomy morning, tweet reply by Javed Akhtar, a long long day, a fleeting evening, the plans for tomorrow (with every detail of where I would be at what time), about the music I have to face at home, and again finally that “I will be back soon”! Everything has just vanished and my post just shows “I had a lot” and finished! I really hate this thing. The post is not even in the thrash

And I can write everything else again, but what about what I wrote about the evening and all those things. I cannot write them now as I wrote them then. It’s is not a science class, just mug up and write down!

This is really, really, really bad! The worst! I was really happy about what I wrote, I had properly hyperlinked everything, Nandura, Manegaon, twitter page of Javed Akatar, even to the facebook profile of Raju (He’s gonna drop me at the station tomorrow morning)!

Hmm I am not gonna do all that stuff again. It’s past 11 p.m. now and I must try to get some sleep. I will have to get up at 4 a.m. tomorrow morning. Just copy-pasting the reply by Javed Akhtar here again for documentation purpose:

@ganeshdhamodkar. Darja has a "J" in it. I don't understand why many pronounce BAWAJOOD which means"inspite of" with a Z instead of J .—
Javed Akhtar (@Javedakhtarjadu) April 25, 2011

And haa, I will be back soon (not as much smiling as it was for the first time)

Tumhari, Saffo

Following is a part of letter written by Safia Akhtar to her husband Jan Nisar Akhtar! Read it, and feel the longing…

My love, I cannot bear to be separated from you in this way and travel in foreign lands for almost two years! You are a poet. And if you can say, “I won’t love you if you don’t want me to,” then you can love in the manner of Shelley, that is, love me not in flesh and blood but only in your imagination. But I am not made this way. I am in love with you and for that reason I need you in my life. How can I put myself to such a test for my career? Akhtar, if you were to go away from me for fourteen years I would live by the strength of my faith in you, but I cannot wrench myself away from you, beloved!

My love, what is this you have asked me? For that I do not have the will to comply. Akhtar! It is enough for me to pass through this life at your feet. This means everything to me. There cannot be greatness waiting for me now without you. If I have a job it is not for the sake of honor or to add to my dignity, but rather to make our lives easier. The day your financial situation becomes stable I will leave this job and devote myself wholly to serving you. My M.Ed. degree will be of no consequence then. Think about it once again from my perspective, feeling the way I do, and if your decision is irrevocable, after that I will have no misgivings about striving for the fellowship.

Savera arrived at the college address yesterday. I will write to Taban and to Bhai Zafar too, though he must be angry with me for not going to Khairabad. The weather here has turned exquisitely sensual. Nights are crispy cold and days so pleasant! Being in Bombay you can’t imagine how it feels here. The hills are lush and green and the fields are verdant whichever way one looks. “If you were here why would the eye wander.”

Come Akhtar! Let me flow in your veins. I have prayed long and hard to make you mine. Seven years have gone by and for the most part we have been separated. My yearning grows with every passing day. I cannot live away from you much longer. Akhtar, I desire your companionship and you want to send me a million miles away! I am truly scared of your lyrical style of love. My very own Akhtar! Come, take me to you, hide me within you in such a way that I may not exist outside of you. Let there just be you and me within you.

Your Saffo,
Bhopal
21 January 1951

Of sky and chains

Under the infinite sky, i’m lying here flat on back, on the cricket lawn here at Reshimbag Ground, just relax, as I had never been for long, thinking of almost nothing – I…

I, who just a moment ago was a free bird, feeling like just heaven, got a call – reminding me of my chains!

Agar tum kaho…

I am writing this post for the fourth time now. For the first two times it was too philosophical, so I erased it. For the third time, I typed it on the cell and then saved it, but I don’t know what bug destroyed it. And now this is the fourth time. What I wrote for the first two times was an utter nonsense, philosophy, reasoning, analysis, what we do all the day. If I say ABC, you will say why not XYZ, and then we will fight on it. After a long and tense fight, we will reach to a conclusion that PQR is a better option, and hardly do we settle on PQR, you will say but XYZ was the best na honey.  I would say nothing but just think of ABC, and of PQR that could not be agreed upon. This is all nonsense, utter nonsense. So after erasing all the stuff for the second time, I was sitting helpless, without any thought on what to write, and I found an old note:

No need to root it out.  Let it soak in your heart, so that it would sprout up as a part of yourself stemming from my love.

And I remembered the whole incident behind it.  Now it’s your turn to tell, what’s is more important? ABC, XYZ, PQR, or “Agar tum kaho…”

Just another Saturday evening…

Deleting all the traces, all the footprints, leaving no trace behind.. And at the same time cherishing each moment in heart, because it’s the only place that can’t be seen from outside! Balancing on the verge of a valley, on a unstable footing, just held back with a loose rope… Uncertainty and hopes, certainty and hopelessness all go hand in hand; and we… Such things happen, we cannot help, such things happen when you seek shade under a leafless dry tree..
But who knows, the one seeking shade might me the stream of life.. It will go deep to the roots and keep the stem alive throughout the autumn, till the spring comes… The spring, certainty, hopelessness, uncertainty, immense hopes, and we…

A great (?) day

I just woke up in the morning and tweeted:

Let's say it's a great day!—
Ganesh Dhamodkar (@ganeshdhamodkar) April 14, 2011

and it had really been a great day all the way.  Work went well, studies too! Everything went well and it was really going to be a great day…

Dushyant once said:

Nayi subah par nazar hai, magar aah yeh bhi dar hai
Yeh sahar bhi rafta rafta kahi shaam tak na pahunche…

And the day ended badly…

The Prophet on Love

Once the prophet came to you and talked to you of friendship of souls and you could not hide the joy on your face.  Once he said:

But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Once he said “Love crowns you so shall it crucify you.”  And you said, “how true!”

And once again, for the n’th time, you left him all alone in the world in the stormy night… and all alone he thought you cannot expect to go untouched once you plunge yourself in a fire

Because I am incomplete too!

Just a couple of hours ago, I (?) published a status-like post and again I am here with a bit longer version.  Woke up upset, depressed in the morning, was the same when fell asleep last night, don’t know of my status in sleep, but still not in the best state of mind, not even in a good one, even after…

Hey, (and I know you know) I am under a lot of stress yaar, emotionally, financially, physically, in carreer, in family… I am really dying each moment, under stress all the time…

I have been sitting here for a long time, but thoughts don’t come straight… let this post be like this, incomplete, because I am incomplete too

Looking for a metamorphosis

Every venture that I start with great hope and expectation finally ends up in a disaster. Hope this time it will be different. Want to start my life once again from scratch

I’m happy :)

It was really a long long day and a kind of hectic one.  Except what I cannot write, there is really nothing to write.  A friend of mine had an accident and got a kind of serious facial trauma, may be a mandibular fracture etc., and I spent almost all the day getting bored in the hospital.

There are two worlds.  Several things happen outside, oftentimes not worth to mention. And inside me, a stream of life keeps on going, a stream of life, a stream of life… I myself have made a hell of it of what it could have been

Gonna read an illusion of MrugajaLache Baandhkaam (Making of an Oasis) by Marathi poet Grace. It’s in her Marathi Literature syllabus.  She has brought notes of it and I will have to console myself with them instead of the original book.  I know not what I am writing, just trying to postpone being together, to live out of the stream of life, the stream of life that is inside me, or I am in it, I don’t know, I just don’t want to get out of it…

It is late evening of a not-so-happening Sunday.  I am watching some movie while writing this post, and I don’t want don’t want don’t want to get out of my stream of life

Again, this fake line just to show the world, it’s okay, I’m happy

Update:  By the way, the outer world has gone asleep, and I am kind of more happy now than I was in the last line