February 4, 2014
How seriously one should take their life? This question should come later. First, what life really is? For years, I thought my life is reading. I haven’t really read much in months. My life is still going. Meanwhile, I thought maybe it’s knowing new things. Reading was just a way ot it. Then there came a thought, maybe it’s sharing of the new things we know. The question is not solved.
I’ve stopped writing too, and even more, writing my diary. Am I such afraid of my own life? <<break>>
My writing is so haphazard. Such is my life. See you!
December 23, 2013
It’s such a lonely evening. Just returned from work. Stayed there late after hours – just to shorten this period of loneliness. But now that I’m back to my room and writing this – I think I needed some time for myself – to lean back and ponder over what’s really happening…
Something is badly missing from life. Perhaps, it’s just a change of habit. I’m really not missing you, but it feels like I’m missing a life since we broke up..
P.S. …, nothing!
December 17, 2013
One shair of Ghalib for me, rather just one line of it. “ Aashiqui sabr_talab aur tamanna betaab..” Love asks for patience, and desires are uncontrollable. What shall I do of my heart until it ends all?
thinking of you,
November 24, 2013
There is a certain nothingness for which I exist. I know this is too vague of a statement, but I am doing vague things and living vague moments and have stopped dreaming of a vague future. I am catching up on things – not people.
Dreams needed to be curtailed – I did that. Why should one dream of life when one can dream of a big home (with lavish furniture in it), etc.? I have somehow convinced myself. I can somehow manage to not miss you – not now, and not a few years later.
You remember? One of our very first coffee shop meets when we had met after my office hours – those comfy sofas, pleasant ambiance, some cricket match on TV, you – and I had told you “This is peace.” Now I have learned that that peace was not because of something “out of this world”, but it can certainly be recreated with the same sofas etc., isn’t it?
I will manage it somehow! You know “a man at 30 should know himself like a palm of his own hand etc.” I am going to be 30 soon. I cannot keep things pending. I must lose you if I cannot achieve you – and convince myself it is for better.
October 30, 2013
Diwali this weekend. One is supposed to go home for Diwali. I do have a home – a real home with doors wide open. But I’m worried for people – those for whom home is me – and I am closed.
How bad a Diwali can be? Like a Diwali when your own home is closed for you and you have no option but to sit out shattered – and with no energy left to bang the door. How shall one console a little soul? How shall one – for example – tell a little heart that Diwali is something different – lights, lamps, pooja, crackers, happiness, papa!
But this will be such. I will steal eyes. You will hide face. Because people will ask why we are not at home. It’s not that I don’t understand your pain. I do, but I will still be stubborn.
There is no cure to me. There is no cure to us – to our home – that is no more.
October 29, 2013
Again and again, however we know the landscape of love
and the little churchyard there, with its sorrowing names,
and the frighteningly silent abyss into which the others fall:
Again and again the two of us walk out together
under the ancient trees,
lie down again and again
among the flowers,
face to face with the sky.
You and I, despite knowing the churchyard and the sorrowful names there, fall in love again and again.
October 29, 2013
No – I will not write what it is between us. Let’s say it’s an ephemeral thing and assume that it will not leave any trails for the world to see.