Ganesh Dhamodkar (@ganeshdhamodkar) November 28, 2013
There is a certain nothingness for which I exist. I know this is too vague of a statement, but I am doing vague things and living vague moments and have stopped dreaming of a vague future. I am catching up on things – not people.
Dreams needed to be curtailed – I did that. Why should one dream of life when one can dream of a big home (with lavish furniture in it), etc.? I have somehow convinced myself. I can somehow manage to not miss you – not now, and not a few years later.
You remember? One of our very first coffee shop meets when we had met after my office hours – those comfy sofas, pleasant ambiance, some cricket match on TV, you – and I had told you “This is peace.” Now I have learned that that peace was not because of something “out of this world”, but it can certainly be recreated with the same sofas etc., isn’t it?
I will manage it somehow! You know “a man at 30 should know himself like a palm of his own hand etc.” I am going to be 30 soon. I cannot keep things pending. I must lose you if I cannot achieve you – and convince myself it is for better.
- Read at least five novels before a fixed date, say my birthday, July 14th.
- Decide the novels in advance, before you start the first one. No bar on language. You can select from the ones you’re thinking to read for long, but couldn’t start somehow. Get the list ready before you start actual reading.
- Obtain the books. Find some library, or buy them. Buying is easier than borrowing. You need not buy all five at once.
- See that you complete the target, and enjoy it.
- Set a higher target for next campaign.
Diwali this weekend. One is supposed to go home for Diwali. I do have a home – a real home with doors wide open. But I’m worried for people – those for whom home is me – and I am closed.
How bad a Diwali can be? Like a Diwali when your own home is closed for you and you have no option but to sit out shattered – and with no energy left to bang the door. How shall one console a little soul? How shall one – for example – tell a little heart that Diwali is something different – lights, lamps, pooja, crackers, happiness, papa!
But this will be such. I will steal eyes. You will hide face. Because people will ask why we are not at home. It’s not that I don’t understand your pain. I do, but I will still be stubborn.
There is no cure to me. There is no cure to us – to our home – that is no more.
Again and again, however we know the landscape of love
and the little churchyard there, with its sorrowing names,
and the frighteningly silent abyss into which the others fall:
Again and again the two of us walk out together
under the ancient trees,
lie down again and again
among the flowers,
face to face with the sky.
You and I, despite knowing the churchyard and the sorrowful names there, fall in love again and again.
No – I will not write what it is between us. Let’s say it’s an ephemeral thing and assume that it will not leave any trails for the world to see.
How should one rate his day? Like a day that starts on a “not-bad” note and from there goes to pretty good. You finish the day in high spirits, go to bath and have a hot shower. While you are feeling motivated – feelingg like going out and eat something, like buying some new books and find time to read them, like starting a new life again – something happens and you let everything go ruined – for reasons not clear to you – or say clear to you only.
How should one rate his day?
It’s again a Sunday and I am still in Goa. I went out for a walk, to a nearby church. It was closed for renovation, so I sat in the premises for a while. Then I went to a nearby garden. It’s an old garden since the Portugese days and now maintained by the Muncipal Corporation of Panaji. There is a massive cylindrical column at the center – height 12.76 meter – with the National Emblem of India on the top of it – the four lions and Satyameva Jayate. A monolith there notes that earlier there was a bust of Vasco da Gama on top of the pillar, but it was replaced with the Indian National Emblem after Goa gained freedom from the Portugese.
I have a lot of tasks to do. I have my presentation tomorrow – just a three-minute talk. I am planning to talk about Importance of Savings or something like that. I have thought nothing about it though. Then I need to prepare a book review that I must submit by Thursday. Again, on Thursday evening, these folks are arranging a cultural program where I am supposed to sing a song. I am prepared for nothing of these.
We have our training here till Saturday, so I don’t know where I would be on the next Sunday. We haven’t got any communication from the bosses about where to go and what to do, so life is with a lot of uncertainties.
It was a holiday today – Gandhi Jayanti. All the batchmates had planned a tour of South Goa – I stayed out. It was a debatable decision, but I was convinced. I wanted to be alone – I’ve been to all these places just a few months ago (and it’s difficult to mingle with people). They say “Hell is other people.” It may not be true to that extent, but still – in some way.
I had good rest today after a long while. I ironed all my clothes, had a good bath, watched some random shows on TV, read a few chapters from “Games People Play” by Eric Berne, enjoyed my cup of coffee, went out for a short walk, and chilled out myself with some wafers and Appy Fizz.
I’m living quite an insipid life these days. Time is not as exciting as it should have been – and I am far away from happiness.
Okay, this is going to be a kind of random! I haven’t written anything for long. A lot of problems – I am away from my computer, busy with job, don’t have anything much to write, and so on… A lot of things happened in between. I got a job in last December, I stayed somewhere near Mumbai for eight months, then left that job as I got a new one. So this was the whole story in between…
I am not here to write that story. In fact, I am not here for anything specific. Just that I found a networked computer after – say ages – and that’s it.
I’ve been at a wonderful place over the past week – kind of re-inventing myself. As they say it, I’m supposed to be a leader from now onwards. So, I am learning what’s a leader, what makes one a leader, what might stop myself from being a leader, and how (if) I can overcome those things.
I’ve lost the habit of writing – let’s see if I can get it again!